We had the good fortune of connecting with Elena Fleming and we’ve shared our conversation below.

Hi Elena, have there been any changes in how you think about work-life balance?
I heard this saying somewhere “Why does society find pride in exhaustion?” That is true especially in the United States.

I used to be proud of the fact that I only slept 5 hours a night and ran around all throughout the day accomplishing things. Now, I see how unwise it was.
To give an example of what burning the candle at both ends leads to, I’ll share a story. One day, I didn’t have time to eat much, I also hadn’t slept enough, and I had a challenging day with my clients. Later that evening, I fainted on a tile floor in the bathroom and ended up with a concussion and fractured a bone in my nose. After all the tests, one of the doctors told me it was from exhaustion. What did I do? I fired him. I certainly did not think that I could not handle days like this. After all, I always had done so in the past! Then another doctor told me the same thing so I had to get out of denial and become open-minded to an idea that a type A, overachiever, perfectionist personality can be “a blessing and a curse.”

Growing up in the Soviet Union only having limited necessities and later moving to the US, I felt like I needed to catch up while I was able – to study and work. I had 2 small children, no family to help, a part-time job and full-time school. I “ran” like this for years and it became my habit and my identity, went deep into my subconscious and I started to believe there is no other way of living life but this. I felt that slowing down means I am lazy and unproductive. Productivity became my value, not only in school, but also at home: meals from scratch, clean house, gym time, etc. It is almost as if my worth was attached to the productivity and therefore safety. I see it a lot in my work with my clients and usually with females – we have a harder time to let go. Control gives us safety, the more we can control the safer we feel. Achievement gives safety and nowadays unfortunately financial security is one of the biggest safety perceptions we have, instead of relationships and support system like in the old days. That is why it is so hard for a woman, especially, to let go. Survival kicks in and overrides logic. Even when we look at the natural roles of men – it is to go “to war to protect the village” and chase the prey – they cannot be controlling when they have “to kill”. Women are the opposite – make sure everyone is healthy and fed. Especially when we were in the environment that we could not control much (childhood, early adulthood) and now suddenly we feel that we “can control” our destiny so we overcompensate with “go-go” and control, especially in the current state of the world – if you do not keep up with the pace you can be run over.

Since my situation with the tile floor, I have learned the connection between the mind and the body. No one ever explained to me that the connection is not just mental or “abstract”, so to say, that it is actually chemical and spreads stress hormones throughout the body creating illnesses – both mental and physical.
I also learned that in people like myself the right part of the brain that is responsible for calmness and being in the present is underdeveloped and does not allow us to stay in the present and always concentrates on tasks in the future. It is possible to strengthen the right part of the brain with meditation. No wonder I always thought meditation is boring – it is because I could not pause even for a few minutes to be in the present. One of my colleagues told me – if you cannot meditate for ten minutes a day you have to do it for twenty.
I also developed stomach issues and started to look for answers – doctors said it is normal to have IBS – moreso for women to have those issues and recently more often! This goes back to my points above. I did not want to buy into this and accept the fact that I will live with those issues forever (what doctors told me will happen). During my 3 year journey I learned that stomach issues are also mostly from stress. Good bacteria is killed by stress hormones that are produced by your body because brain thinks you are in a constant state of stress. Moving from country to country (I also lived in Spain), raising children without family, going to school and working a job not in my native language with not knowing “the rules” of the country, my stomach got sick from constant stress hormone production. It took a decade to show up, which later I learned is typical. Yes, it can take that long to surface. The brain dispenses stress hormones to protect you and let you survive when you are under stress and when you are no longer under stress it ceases the production. That would be the normal way. Well, when we are so busy and overcompensating and overworking, our brain reads this pace of life as our always being under stress and the production of defensive hormones does not stop and ultimately kills our good bacteria in our stomachs, which affects our liver, therefore hormones and cholesterol. There is a correlation and I was not aware of it – society does not teach us that – all it teaches us is – find pride in exhaustion.

Mental health is very abstract and we do not see the correlation between cause and effect like we see in physical health. That is, often we do not believe that stress causes health issues, etc. Our brain reads busy-ness, overworking, and being overwhelmed as stress too, not just “regular” stress that we would usually consider. Overworking and overdoing, in general, is what I used to and still do often. I see it often with my clients, who are overachievers, type A personalities, perfectionists or who are just overcompensating for something. Sometimes we have to question why we overwork – is it to avoid other things we do not want/like in our lives? Even things like washing an extra load of clothes, I have had to let go and not be a perfectionist. It does not make you lazy, or mean that you are a bad mother/wife/person if you do not do certain things. However, that is what our brain may tell us and creates feelings of guilt. For high achievers and type A personality people we have to learn to let go of something we CAN do, but do not have to. I justified it by thinking I did not have stress since I love my job and my family and run around for them, but overdoing anything can cause stress therefore cortisol, therefore health issues, irritability and relationship distress with people.
There is a lot of research out there between a constant state of stress and worsening of your mental and physical health. Again, it does not have to be stress from bad things – even overwhelming yourself with good things can still jeopardize your health.

Somehow for many people our values are based on how much we can accomplish versus having a balance with rest and being present in their relationships. Why do we not think quality time and rest is important? Less people now understand the value of building relationships and support systems and the importance of resting.
Overworking does lead to neglecting the family – we get tired and then want to cope with food, alcohol or just not being able to participate in family activities.
I started changing my perception on rest.
To this day, I often have to put mental effort into stopping running around and let go and just do not find things I could do (even if those are “good” things). I noticed before that even reading was too hard because I had to sit and not do other things.
I have to practice self-imposed boundaries and boundaries with other things and people. The word boundary has a negative connotation but really it is protection of yourself from resentment, enabling of others, burnout and self-care. We need to question our motives for doing things too – the common one I see is people-pleasing. Faith helps me to let go and it does not mean I am oblivious, do not care, or irresponsible – it means I am protecting by heart, my mind and my body.
To this day, now and then, I have a “relapse” on overdoing things – I think that if I can do it why not do it? It’s almost as if our logic gets overridden by our instincts. So, it is very hard to let go of something we can do and refuse not do it. We should understand powerlessness vs not caring; acceptance vs approval; letting go vs not being responsible.

Alright, so for those in our community who might not be familiar with your business, can you tell us more?
Being from Russia originally, I moved here without speaking English. I had to learn English to get my documents in order while also working as a teller in multiple banks. I also moved to Spain for a year and then had to at least have my two children out of the baby stages before I could start my journey as a therapist.

Multiple signs led me to look into a therapy degree. When I first decided I wanted to be a mental health therapist and went to speak to someone at one of the schools, the advisor there asked me: do you know that the licensure exam is in English? Her comment was very discouraging because she did not believe that I would pass because of my not being a native speaker. But somehow, even then, I did not allow others to control my decisions so I applied. I decided, if I fail, I would rather fail myself and not be stopped by what others thought. It was important to try. I now teach that to my clients.

After my school, I started working for a government substance use facility and then shifted to private practice. It was not an easy decision and was quite scary, but with the help of my mentors, I did it and love it.

I find that most of my clients are women and I now have a long waitlist at all times. I tend to specialize in a certain niche that I do well at as a counselor – anxiety, relationships, substance use, life stressors in general, and personal contentment.

You fail 100% on the chances you do not take. Many things are not as hard as we think. They may be tedious and you will need to put effort and time, but you just keep doing action regardless of feelings. Waiting and being patient for a result is another thing I did that made me successful. Many people want things to happen faster and give up trying when they do not see the results. Most things worth having aren’t found through instant gratification.

I heard this said somewhere before, “Out of all of my options, what is the most challenging thing for me to do today?” I try to ask myself that and see where it takes me. I think that most others will not take this approach, so it tend to help me discover new insights and directions.

We have to remember that failing is okay. Actually it is not failing, it is gaining knowledge and experience. I tried some things and did not succeed and when that happens, I try for my first thought to be – “what did I learn from it?” instead of “I failed.”

Do not let others affect you at all. They may be afraid and jaded from their own life experiences when giving you advice. Where they are can be completely different where you are in life. For example, in Russia, not many women drove when I moved here. So for my mom, she still thinks driving is hard and not for women. She may tell it to me, but my life experience does not show that.

I do not know how yet but I hope to one day be able to share with more people (not just one on one) what I know on those narrow topics that I am good. I’ve received many thank you notes from my clients, who are doing so much better, because of what I was able to teach them.

Any places to eat or things to do that you can share with our readers? If they have a friend visiting town, what are some spots they could take them to?
If you asked me what we should do just 3 years ago, I would say downtown Greenville, some place with music and dancing, or the beach. Today, I would say the beach – Isle of Palms is my favorite in the area. I also like the mountains where we live and a good winery. Another fun thing I’d do with them is to take them to have a waltz lesson and then have dinner in one of our local places called Pasta Station. In addition, this fun week would include taking my friends to our church and then to lunch in our convertible to one of our favorite towns, Helen, GA and probably one of the wineries near there. I found the BMW factory tour to be really interesting as well so I hope they would enjoy that. Finally, I would introduce them to our friends and get them to go to the gym and walking with us – because that is what is fun for me now – just daily life that I would want to share with my friends and family who visit. I asked my husband if I was getting old and boring and he asked me, “Are you boring or did your values simply change and you find fun in other ways and deeper things give you fun now?”

Who else deserves some credit and recognition?
I have a few people who influenced me and my career: Late Kathy Murphy, my former supervisor who helped me with overcoming fears about my decision of opening my own private practice.
Kelly Kennedy, my former professor who taught me a lot of what I know in my profession.
Patty Nodine, who helped me a lot with understanding and making a difference in the substance abuse field.
My husband Patrick for all the wisdom and insight he gives me.
Pastor Lee and my Sunday School for education of how life works.

Website: https://www.southeasterntherapyassociates.com/

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Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/elena-fleming-spartanburg-sc/265083

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